Lately, I have regretted doing this to someone, especially my own teammate on the volleyball team. I have told many people about this and they all said I was basically messed up and truly screwed. I would not have it any other way.
Although I do have many regrets in my life, especially giving my heart just so that it can be broken, I feel this regret is the most influential on my life. As I become older and more into, let’s say, an older adult, I realize that as a teen, things are never going to be the same anymore.
What I mean by that is that, we are never gonna have that secret crush anymore. We’re not going to go on those 1v1 hangouts anymore. We’re not going to be having fun as much as we used to be. We begin to be more conscious of the stuff that is going around us and in our lives.
We’re definitely going to use this new outlook on life and use it to adapt. For example, I’m using this blog to write about my experiences and what I think. A secret crush is either liking someone or truly loving them. Those 1v1 hangouts are never considered friendly dates, unless it is mutual. They’re always gonna be dates, no matter how you look at it. We have careers to think about, and all we can think about is how far we’re going to get in life with that career and that amount of money.
Regardless, we become specific to our needs and block out everything we don’t specifically need in our daily lives. I can tell because I know i was blocked out, but that’s not the story of now.
The story of now begins with a volleyball game that I was playing with my teammates. During the game, I went up to spike the ball to the other side. Instead, I tipped the ball and the other team lightly hit the ball back to my court. My girl teammate so happened to be close to me to block the ball coming back from their court. Again, they passed it lightly back to my court.
And this is where the trouble started. Instead of blocking it again, I went up for the spike. The same girl teammate was near me and said, “I got it” and went for the spike as well. In my head, when someone says this, I would retract my muscles and let them do their “supposed work.” I was in the air but I stopped and landed with my knees bent to distribute the pressure. At the very same moment, after the girl hit the ball, she landed along with me.
At the very same moment that I landed with my knees bent and she landed with her knees straight (and about to be bent), my knee hit her knee from behind, thus dislocating her knee, making her scream in pain. Yep, I fucking dislocated a girl’s knee. She tried to put the blame on me, but later said that it was okay. Even so, I got looks of derision for doing so. Even worse, her dad was there. @#$% Maybe because I was the only Asian there…
So in the end, I felt guilty for causing a severe injury to my teammate, a girl..
Yeah. That’s not the bad part. This week, I heard from my teammates that she was out for the season. Why? She tore her ACL and needs to get surgery.
YEAH! I FUCKING CAUSED HER DISLOCATED KNEE AND MADE HER GET SURGERY. Her blood is on my hands. I no longer have clean, bloodless hands. That was the biggest regret of my life. The point that I made someone I barely knee get a-close-to-never-using-her-leg injury got me all guilty inside. I swear it was accidental, but yet, somehow I know it was all my fault. Ever since that day, I could not think of anything else and why it had to happen like this. Maybe it was God’s way of playing a joke on me for putting my faith into humanity, rather than the Almighty himself. Nah, that can’t be it.
Since I have no good note to end it on, I wanted to do this instead.
I extend my apologies to Christina and her family. I hope you have a healthy surgery and I hope everything goes alright. I am truly sorry, even if it was just an accident. When you’re out of the surgery, I’ll make sure to come visit you. :]